Counter to HarsH ReaLiTy’s “For Men Only – 10 Ways to Lie. . .”

One of my favorite bloggers Opinionated Man over at HarsH ReaLiTy had an interesting and funny post today, For Men Only — 10 Ways to Lie . . . but Not “Really Lie” to a Woman. As I was reading I got to thinking about women I know and yes some of this would fly with some of them, but not all of it with any of them. So, I came up with a counter of sorts.

OM 1:
The easiest way is to cross your fingers. This still counts… I don’t know what idiot told everyone this stops working when you are a kid. I use it all the time!

20/20 Hines Sight Counter:
Actually this does stop working after grade school. If you cross your fingers and we catch you, we will know something is amiss and proceed with the interrogation. The only thing that may save you is if you throw in the puss in boots eyes.

____________________________________________________________________________

OM 2:
It isn’t really a lie if there is an ounce of truth. Kind of like a pool of water that has a drop of holy water dropped in it is suddenly pure right? Makes sense. So just make sure you put “enough truth” to make it “good enough.” You don’t have to feel guilty about getting caught over “good enough” fellas.

20/20 Hines Sight Counter:
FAIL! Fellas a mostly lie with an ounce of truth is still a lie and we will see right through it. Better man up and tell us what you did or didn’t do. It will save you the woman’s brand of polygraph. You know after you’ve just told your “good enough”, you and your girl go and cuddle up on the sofa. You’ve got your arm around her and she has her head nestled on your chest and you’re thinking everything is great and you sigh a sigh of relief and then BAMM the questions start and your heart rate goes up, she sits up and pats you on the knee and says calmly, “I’m going to bed.” Yep playa you just got played.
____________________________________________________________________________

OM 3:
Don’t look her in the eyes. Anything said while not looking a woman in the eyes is questionable and this can be proven in current court records. It will work. Be firm men.

20/20 Hines Sight Counter:
If you don’t look us in the eyes we will know something is up. I suggest rehearsing your story, so you don’t have to avoid eye contact and remember if you look down and left your ass is grass.
____________________________________________________________________________

OM 4:
If you kind of trail off at the end of sentences then “technically” more words “might” have been there. This counts as the “loose ends” rule of covering your ass. Use this only as a last resort and when we say “last resort” this is like backing out quickly with guns blazing “last resort.”

20/20 Hines Sight Counter:
Never try this at home. Literally. You’ll have a better shot at pulling this off in public. A scene is less likely to ensue. If you do trail off at the end of a sentence be prepared for the following: “Excuse me?” “What did you say?” or “Speak up. I can’t hear you.” But remember even if you do trail off, we more than likely heard you and what we didn’t hear we filled in the blanks, so be prepared for any impending consequences.
____________________________________________________________________________

OM 5:
If you say that a friend did it this will work, but only a couple times a year. If you are using this all the time it gets old and you deserve to get caught. “Aw honey I am sorry I was late… Bob got drunk and threw up everywhere. I had to follow and make sure he got home ok… I am such a good friend.” If you imagine a halo above your head I hear this sometimes actually occurs. If it does, Youtube that and share with all the other men in the world please.

20/20 Hines Sight Counter:
FAIL! This may work if you deploy the puss and boots eyes. It’s great that you wanted to be a great friend and see your buddy Bob home safely, but why didn’t you pick up the phone and call? And your answer is . . .
____________________________________________________________________________

OM 6:
If you are late say you had to “find the right outfit.” No woman in the world should ever be able to contest this excuse from a man. Ever.

20/20 Hines Sight Counter:
Sadly, this does not work for men, as we women are still going to scrutinize your ensemble. We will plot to find out the real reason for your tardiness or say, “and this is what you came up with?” Be prepared because this line of inquiry can go on for as long as needed in order for us to arrive at the truth. Also, we may let the topic go, but don’t be surprised if it comes up a week later.
____________________________________________________________________________

OM 7:
You are allowed to use the excuse “I was saving a kitten from a burning building” once in your life. It helps to photoshop some stuff and maybe not look like the chess club president. That is just hard to believe…

20/20 Hines Sight Counter:
Kitten, puppy, child, elderly – Yes, you get one shot, so chose wisely.
____________________________________________________________________________

OM 8:
If you are frequently out late and can’t answer your phone and your girlfriend (this won’t work with a wife) asks why you can tell her you are a part-time super hero. I have told all the women in my life this and they all believed me. I am so cool.

20/20 Hines Sight Counter:
Curious. And your super power is? . . .
____________________________________________________________________________

OM 9:
If a woman catches you in a lie, code-red alert backup plan Z is breaking down in tears and claiming someone died. You may want to pick someone believable since women have a nasty habit of remembering everything a man says. Everything. So if Uncle Bob is suddenly resurrected at the next family reunion you never thought “she” would make it till… well you better think of a way to resurrect yourself.

20/20 Hines Sight Counter:
If a woman catches you in a lie there is no back up plan and your best plan of corrective action is . . . Oh hell, who am I kidding, you can only weather the storm. You might as well go make up the sofa because that’s your bed for a few nights. And when you do make it back to the bed know that there will be no nookie for the foreseeable future.
____________________________________________________________________________

OM 10:
Claiming you are allergic to dust and cleaning products works as an excuse out of housework. It will help to perhaps faint a few times and look really ill when in the supermarket cleaning aisle as well.

20/20 Hines Sight Counter:
FAIL! I’ve seen this in action with my mother and father. My mother went out and bought my dad a long pair of rubber gloves and a dust mask and found cleaning products that weren’t strong.